Who would I have been?

This blog was inspired by all the women I see who are dealing with the pain of being infertile.  It seems just as being Catholic, or a wife, a daughter, a friend, an employee, etc. defines us, our inability to conceive somehow does as well.

But while most of you are at the beginning or somewhere in the middle of this journey, I'm at the other end.  Being in my late 40s I know I am not going to get pregnant.  I'm not going to be a mom. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I okay with that.  Now.  I've come to terms with it and know it's not what God had planned for me.

But that doesn't mean I don't think about it.  Himself and I were talking about it the other day.  Had we had children, who would we be today?

I doubt we'd have our youthful good looks. ;-)  I'd probably would have a few, okay, a lot more gray hairs and Himself would probably have less, hair that is. 

Would I be gentle and patient like Michelle Duggar?  Or would I be loud and snappish like Kate Gossling?  How strict would I be?  How afraid of the world and the big scary things out there would I be?  Or would I be more appreciative of God's gifts and graces?

Makes me wonder.

Sweet Dreams

The night my mom died my cousin, D, had a dream in which my mom appeared.  She was glowing, happy, beautiful.  At the time she had the dream, D didn't know mom was gone.  We both like to think that mom came to D to let her know that she was okay now.

A month or so ago I had a dream in which my mom appeared with a young boy, about 11 or 12, named Jonas, and a baby girl named Evelyn.  It was brief.  I saw them together looking happy and peaceful.  Jonas looked protective and proud of the baby.  It made me smile.  In my dream it was my mom with her two grandchildren - my son and my sister's daughter.

I never had a confirmed pregnancy, but at one time I thought I had what was implantation spotting and CD1 was late.  But like all good infertiles, CD1 did arrive.  For whatever reason I always thought had I been pregnant it was a boy. 

My sister, on the other hand, was pregnant last year.  We saw Sweet Pea's first and only ultrasound picture.  A beautiful sight - until at eight weeks she was gone.  Though it was too early to know, in my mind that baby was always a girl.

The ages of the children in my dream would have been right on the money.  Mom didn't have her grandchildren here on earth, but she had them in heaven.

Perhaps they appeared to me.  Maybe not.  Maybe it was wishful dreaming.

But it sure was sweet!

How I feel

I haven't had a cold in years.  Apparently I'm not as immune as I had liked to think.  And I'm a real big baby about it too!  Luckily I'm blessed with Himself who has been taking really good care of me, even while he's fighting something too.

Thankful Thursday - Thanksgiving Edition

The Lord's been good to me

And so I thank the Lord

For giving me the things I need:

The sun and the rain and the appleseed

The Lord's been good to me!

Check out more to be thankful for at The Road Home.

Meet Darryl

There's a couple things I never get tired of seeing and deer wandering the yard is one of them.  We've had a young buck visit us several times lately and I just find him so beautiful.  Of course I had to name him, you know I do that with all the critters that visit us frequently!  So, here's Darryl .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

A couple of days after Himself captured these photos, Darryl was back with a buddy.  So, what did I name him? 

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Darryl, of course!  For all you Bob Newhart fans (are there some or am I the only one?) you'll remember the three recurring characters - "I'm Larry.  This is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl."

You can see it doesn't take much to amuse me!

Thankful Thursday (5)

Today I am thankful for. . .

My job.  I ended up in such a better situation than the last place I was at.  I work closer to home, in a nicer environment, and with people who actually value my experience and opinion. 

Fall.  In northeast Ohio we often say "Wait an hour and the weather will change."  Not this year.  We've had an extremely good autumn.  The weather has been pleasant, and on some days, downright warm for the season.  I've been able to get out on the weekends and get the gardens cleaned up.  I'm looking forward to this weekend and finishing up the last of it.

Our neighbors.  Our next door neighbors have a puppy, Lucy, who is turning out to be a real escape artist.  She's actually figured out how to open their back door.  When she's loose the first place she comes is to visit us, or, I should say, to visit Jack.  So, we play with them, practice her commands, and then walk her home.  We love it.  Jack loves it.  And so does Lucy.  On Sunday, Lucy's human, K, stopped over with a gift bag of goodies thanking us for helping out when she's out and about.  It was so sweet! 


Lucy

Part of the Thank You goodie bag. 

Check out more to be thankful for at The Road Home.

Yeah God!

My hundred plus pound "puppy" is a creature of habit.  He likes, no, he insists on a morning walk, every single day.  Trying to get that in before work is sometimes tough.  But, lately I've been rewarded.  Gloriously so. 

A few days before the time change we left a little earlier than usual, walking down the street carrying a flashlight.  I had a hard time not tripping over my own two feet because I was walking looking up at the sky.  The stars were nothing short of spectacular!  Orion's belt just glimmered and shined.  All the rest just sparkled.   Yeah God!

A few days later, after the time change, we were treated to a beautiful sunrise.  The colors reflecting off the clouds were a glorious mix of reds and oranges and pinks.  Yeah God!

Lately we've been seeing the hawks much more often.  We have a pair of red tail hawks that seem to come back this time of year and must makes their nest nearby.  They are so majestic and elegant.  Yeah God!

As I walked past my friend's house, a blue heron took flight from her pond.  It was large and gangly and flew with an odd, awkward smoothness that was interesting to watch.  Yeah God!

What makes you go Yeah God?

Another year older - Giveaway details

You gals who responded all just made my day!  And week, and month and year! 

So you all get presents. I created a tab - Pretty Things - since that was what I called my crafting business - with all your choices.  E-mail me (donna1164 at gmail dot com) with your 1st and 2nd choices and address and I'll get your "birthday presents" right off to you.

Essays of our lives

It comes as no surprise to anyone who reads this regularly that Himself and I are big fans of GK Chesterton.  Last night we had the opportunity to attend a fundraiser for a local, private Catholic school  at which Dale Ahlquist spoke.  Dale is probably the foremost authority on GKC as he is the host of The Apostle of Common Sense on EWTN, author of a number of books, and the president of the American Chesterton Society. 

As usual, he gave a brilliant and most funny talk about GKC ranging on a number of topics.  Since it was a fundraiser for the school there were probably people there who were not all that familiar with this author so Dale gave some background on the man.  Chesterton has written well over a hundred books and hundreds, if not thousands, of essays.  Dale chuckled as he imagined that the students from the school that attended last night's event would themselves be writing essays shortly about what they heard.

That got me thinking.  That's what we do here.  We write essays.  About our lives, our faith, families, dreams, hopes and even our fears and disappointments.  We might not be as prolific as GKC but for whatever reason we feel a need, even a calling, to pour out our words for others to read.

When I was in junior high school we had an tremendous English teacher.  He made sure we knew the structure of our language, how to write well crafted sentences.  We diagramed hundreds of sentences, understanding every noun, pronoun, adjective and adverb.  He would probably be horrified at some the writing and phrasing I do here. 

One of the things Mr. Z had us do was keep a notebook in which we wrote every day.  He would give us a phrase or a sentence and that would be the beginning of our essay.  Sometimes that start would be pretty innocuous, leading to some wildly different writing from each of us.  Sometimes it was more directed.  But, regardless, it sparked our imagination and got us writing.  What a great gift he gave us! 

And, oh, what I'd give to have that notebook back!

Another year older

Today I'm another year older, but am I any wiser? 

Birthdays used to be a big deal for me.  After all, it's my day.  I came into the world this day, shouldn't everyone stop and remember?

But now?  I'm just happy if people remember.  And it's not a big deal if they don't.  I don't need the cake and dinner and presents.  (but they are nice!)

  

I'm just hoping, as I age, that I learn something.  And keep learning.  So what have I figured out this year?

There's just no denying middle age!  Bifocals, a root canal, a slowing metabolism, and more and more gray hairs remind me I'm no longer a "young adult".  I don't mind getting older (as if we have a choice!) but it's the body parts not working like they used to that get to me.

I learned I need to be firmly in charge of my attitude and the words that come out of my mouth.  They're the things, no matter the situation, I can control.  As my mom told DH, "You don't have to say everything you think." 

Time and people are precious, things are not.  'nuf said.

Life's not always about doing, sometimes it's just about being.  Being present to others, to the situation, the quietness of God's voice.  More often then not, He whispers.  When I'm too busy I often fail to hear.

There is just so much more I want, and need to learn.  Here's to making this year one to grow on!

PS - Blogger giveaway!  The first five people who correctly guess my age get the presents.  You'll get to pick something from my stash of handcrafted jewelry, purses and bags from my little crafting business. 

Two weeks, no waiting

Jeez, time flies.  It's been two weeks since I last wrote.  Kind of funny, considering my last post.  So much has been going on since then.  Where to start?

I interviewed for another job, one which would have been permanent rather than consulting, and it confirmed my decision in accepting the first.  What gets even funnier on the job front is that another company has been courting me for a third position!  Considering where it is, I was tempted to automatically say no, as my drive would go from 15 minutes to over an hour.  But an over 50% increase in pay and this company's name on my resume. . .hmmm???  Got to wonder.

My dad came over one afternoon and we headed down to a local orchard to get freshly picked apples, and pies, and goodies to take to relatives DH and I were going to be visiting.  The pies were yummy and we're still working our way through the bag of apples I bought.

DH, Jack and I headed down to Tennessee to visit my aunt and uncle for my uncle's 77th birthday.  I think if we didn't bring our dog we might just be turned away at the door!  Jack and my uncle just adore each other.  My cousin came up from SC for the weekend and we were able to spend a relaxing and enjoyable time just chatting and catching up.  My aunt so reminds me of my mom that it's alway hard when we leave.  But, we have their visit in the spring to look forward to.

Oh, and we had such a great welcome home from our trip.  DH took Jack out for his evening potty break before going to bed, and just a few feet from the door, Jack met a skunk up close and personal!  Just what I needed the day before I started my new job.  He still stinks.

Speaking of the job, it's going well so far.  I started last Tuesday and am slowly getting the hang of how they do things there.  It seems that they work at a much slower pace than what I have in the past, and that's a welcome relief.  I have time to learn the business and do things correctly. 

In between all of that, I've been learning to use my crock pot again.  I've made some really yummy meals, and one not so good one.  I finished up some sewing I was doing for Christmas.  Yep, you read that right.  For Christmas.  When I showed DH the finished stockings his response was "Who stole my wife?  She never gets things done this far in advance!" 

So, two weeks later and there's just no time to wait.