Tuesday, October 16, 2012

IF: Who me???

So, you get married, and, as we Catholics like to say, are open to life.  As newlyweds the bedroom is a happening place. Heck, so is the living room, basement, shower, back seat of the Buick, wherever.  Babies should just be arriving one after the other.

No?  Why not?

Six months go by.  Then a year.  You start getting the questions.

Are you guys planning on having a family?

How many children do you want?

When are you going to give me a grandbaby? or a cousin, or a niece/nephew, playmate, or you fill in the blank?

Each question is like a little dagger, reminding you that what you want so much isn’t happening.

So, at your next “annual”, you mention it to your doctor.  If you are like I was, you figure the doctor knows everything.  He’ll fix me.  Time to try some drugs.  Clomid sounds good.  Three months of that should do the trick.  It won’t be paid for by your medical insurance, of course.  But wait, aren’t they supposed to pay to fix what’s broken???  Not in this case.  And, add insult to injury, no BFP. 

Little do you know at this point, this is just the beginning.  There are specialists to see, new vocabulary to learn, and oh so many procedures to endure.  

This wasn’t the plan.  A honeymoon baby was. 

Wait!  Stop this ride!  I want off.

I just want a baby.  Is that so much to ask?

Apparently, it is.

Unfortunately, we have joined a club we want no part of.  We have a label we never imagined would be assigned to us.


That word looks awfully ugly there.  It's stark and blunt.  It hurts.

Boy how it hurts.

Is there something wrong with me, God, that you don't want me to be a mother??  And Himself?  He would be so awesome as a dad.  I've seen him with babies and he is patient and kind and loving and caring.  Why?

It is very isolating, almost by definition.  I will never be with child.  We will always be a couple, not a family in the traditional sense. 

There are reminders everywhere.  Friends are expecting their second, third, or even sixth child.  You get invited to another baby shower.  Advertisements for diapers on TV have been known to make you weep and the Mother's Day blessing at church makes you bawl like the baby you want.

I can't run.  I can't hide.  This is my life.  I've got to deal with it.

How? Dear Lord, how?

I'll tell you next time. 



  1. There are deep stirrings going on in my heart as I read this, in one sense my heart aches for you and for all of us who relate to this, and on the other side, I am dying for what comes next - for the hope that your life, your beautiful life as a family of two, gives to me.

    I am sure writing this all out is as difficult as it is helpful, so I want you to know I'm praying for you daily and I'm so grateful to you for sharing your journey.

  2. Looking forward to seeing more of this!

  3. Looking forward to seeing more of this!

  4. oooo..you leave us hanging. I can't wait to read the next part. And excellent job, by the way, addressing many of the thoughts and feelings that come with IF.

  5. Agreeing with the others...definitely looking forward to hearing what you say next!!

  6. This is beautiful, and I can't wait to read the whole series!

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your journey! I just can't wait to get to the next part...

  8. I read this and it is like reading my own thoughts. I've been waiting to read your series on IF so excitedly (if you can be excited in any way about IF)!

  9. No, tell me now, dammit!!! Hehehehe can you tell IF has brought me patience?

    I agree with Rebecca in that your life gives me hope- you are a beautiful child of God and are living so beautifully in your vocations. Thanks for writing!

  10. Yeah, that mother's day blessing at church still makes me feel sad. It's tough to accept childlessness...especially when one has planned her life to be a mother.

    Thank you for sharing your story...I can definitely relate.

  11. Part 1...been there...

    Part 2...looking foward to reading!

  12. Wow- how is a wonderful question. I wonder if our hows are the same. Even though I have a child, I never dreamed I'd have the life I have. I know my 'hows' are evolving, but some specific 'hows' have gotten me solidly through 10 years of accepting my life. I completely agree with the comments that you are a beautiful example of accepting God's will- An example we can all learn from. Can't wait to hear the next installment!