IF and me

I've been wondering when I was going to get inspired to write this post.  I guess it's now.

I've been reading quite a number of your blogs over the last couple of years.  One blog leads to the next and that one to the next and so on.  You know how it goes.  I'm not sure anymore what one I started reading first, not that it matters, but I do know I found it through a posting on the Ya.hoo Catholic fertility group.  The support I saw the ladies give each other there I see in your writings.

I decided to write a blog for a couple reasons.  Some are purely selfish - I want a prayer buddy next time you do it and I want to be one.  I pray for you all the time - "my ladies" - and when I check on the flowers at church I always light a candle.  And I need practice writing, putting my thoughts down, making words get my thoughts across.

But I also hope I could share that you can make it through IF, without a baby, and have a good life.  No, a great life and a fulfilling one at that.

DH and I got married, at least in my mind, a little later in life.  I was a month away from my 34th birthday and he was 36.  I never gave it a thought that we wouldn't be able to have children and I was poorly educated on my own health and fertility.  After a couple of years of marriage and no pregnancies I spoke with my doctor and he put me on Clo.mid for three cycles.  When that didn't work he said there was nothing more he could do and send me to a specialist.  That doc decided I need surgery to remove a polyp and then did one blood draw at mid cycle and pronounced me just fine.  And when PG didn't occur, the next step, according to him, was IVF and injectibles.  As Catholics we weren't about to go the IVF route so they wanted us to agree to "selecti.ve red.uction" if when we used the drugs it resulted in a high multiple pregnancy.  No way.  Bye bye! 

So we were on our own, or so it seemed.  But by then I was having other issues.  An ultrasound revealed that I several large fibroids.  Since, according to my regular gyn, we weren't doing anything to have children (oh really???) I should just have a hysterectomy.  And he called me at work to tell me this!  Again, no way, bye bye.

I posted on the Catholic fertility group, asking for prayers, because, even though I was closing in of forty, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet.  When M learned I lived just a couple of hours from her she recommended her doctor, a Pope Paul IV, Creighton trained, Catholic doctor.  I immediately made an appointment and hi-tailed it down the highway 120 miles.  I love, love , love Dr P.  I would need surgery, pretty extensive, to remove eight fibroids, one of which was the size of a grapefruit.  I then learned charting, had real blood work done and found out just what my issues were. 

We used to belong to a prayer group that met once a week to pray the rosary and learn the catechism.  One day, before it started that evening, I was by myself watching our friends' seven month old daughter crawl around.  This was their fourth child, and while I was thrilled for them (that's a whole other post) I was asking God why not us.  I heard, clear as day, a woman's voice say "In His time, not yours".  I know in my heart it was our Blessed Virgin.  It gave me such peace.

We tried some more, but still no pregnancies.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  We tried.  We didn't compromise our values or our souls.  And His time might not be in this life.  Or I may parent in some other way.  I don't know what our good Lord wants from me. 

I can't say it was always easy.  When I see DH with a baby or little child I know he would have been such a great father.  He has such patience and kindness.  I've watched him sit with our friends' cranky toddler and play with pebbles by the pond for hours until he was a happy baby once again.  I've watched him soothe a crying infant when I was ready to give up. 

And you know baby showers.  Plaster a smile on and have a great time.  Yeah right!  I've only skipped one baby shower.  Watching a fifteen year old get pregnant, have the baby and decide to parent hurt loads.  And when she had a second baby at seventeen it nearly broke my heart.  God gave her these two children that she could barely take care of, why not us?

But why shouldn't it be us?  I think DH and I are closer for it.  Perhaps it gives us a sense of empathy we wouldn't otherwise have had.  Deep inside I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be.