Living Big and Saying Goodbye

A week ago today we celebrated the funeral mass of my cousin (by marriage).  Denise was only 52 years old and left behind six children.   To say that it was difficult is an understatement.

I had seen her just after Christmas and we chatted about my niece, her kids, and the sorrow we both felt at losing our dogs during the previous year.  I had no idea that she was ill.  A couple weeks later she was admitted to the hospital and never left.  Liver failure claimed her life.

The stories and testaments to her life flooded Facebook.  Her greatest joy was her children.  She reveled in their accomplishments, suffered with them in their pain, and sought to teach them to be responsible, caring individuals.  When the neighbor's dog died, she sent one of the boys over with a shovel to help lay the animal to rest.  During his homily, the pastor joked that Denise believed in child labor.  It was never more evident when she was in charge of the church's Christmas Giving Tree.  They collected over two thousand gifts to be distributed to various families and organizations in the area.  All these had to be sorted and wrapped and she had six "volunteers" at the ready.

She was known as Mama B to her kids' friends and her hugs were famous.  She made sure no-one ever left her house hungry.  She grew up in an Italian household and food was love.  When the neighbors returned from an extended vacation, they come home to find their refrigerator stocked so that grocery shopping wasn't a chore that they had to worry about right away.

Father also spoke of the demons Denise faced, in particular, alcoholism.  It was something she couldn't conquer and ultimately destroyed her health.  He reminded her children, though, that however much she was troubled by this, God was there through it all.  He was there for her and He would continue to be there for them.

After the funeral, as we were driving home, Tim and I talked about how beautiful this Mass was.  I was surprised, though, by the open acknowledgment of her alcoholism.  I never saw it and thought the talk of it was just nasty rumors to disparage her during her divorce from my cousin.  That talk had angered me.  I had only been privy to the good.

As we talked, I came to realize that Denise lived big.  She lived big in her love for her family and friends and in her generosity to others.  But she also lived big in her vices.  She had a lot of addictions - alcohol, food, Facebook.  Even her eldest son joked about that last one during his eulogy.

I still don't know what to make of it.  Sometimes I wonder if she could have lived and loved bigly without the vices or did it have to be both.  But that is a false choice.  It is not both or none.  It can be one or the other.  With no bigger love than God's, we can use his graces to fight our demons and work to live and love greatly.

Eternal Rest Eternal rest, grant unto her O Lord 

and let perpetual light shine upon her. 

May she rest in peace. Amen

1967-2020

AMDG